So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
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