Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
...so i touched it.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Randomize
