Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Randomize