do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
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