i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
You left your phone here
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