I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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