there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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