Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
