I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Randomize
