plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
