Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Randomize