shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
