ya dads aren't the best wingmen
i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
