I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Randomize
