my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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