Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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