Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
