ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Randomize
