I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
