He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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