He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
