She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
