and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
