Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
