I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
