When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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