my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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