If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
My boob is missing a layer of skin
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
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