Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize