You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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