Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
