Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
