Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
