I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
