I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Randomize
