May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
