i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
