I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Randomize
