nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize