i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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