theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
