Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Randomize
