I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
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