someone owes me an orgasm
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
