I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize