My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
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