Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
