The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
