Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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