I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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