Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize