I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
