I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize