dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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