yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize