I'm eating all of the evidence.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
