Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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