my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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